Journal Entry 4/3/25 (Flashbacks of my family's abusive behavior towards me)

I'm not even really mad at my family. I'm actually just very hurt...

While I was out on the streets out a all I could do to try to key myself from thinking about the gravy that they for some reason thought that I was in some way deserving of being homeless. 

And no matter how many excuses I can't up with for them, what it came down to was that they knew what was going on. 

They knew my abuser was stalking me and told me they didn't believe me, or made it seem like they didn't believe me by claiming that I had no proof. As if no proof made it less terrifying. 

They knew what he was doing to try to terrifying me while I was out there. My own sister even told me one of the times that I visited "I know you're seeing a lot of scary things out there." But, I hadn't shared any of that with her. 

They knew he kicked me out of the estate sale. And blamed it on me before I even told them that it had happened. 

I got poisoned once at the County club I went to with my sister. I turned my back for just a minute on my drink and when I drank it, it made me feel off and very weird. It made me tired and confused. I had to convince myself that there was no way my sister or the friend we knew for such a long time would put something in my drink while my back was turned.

But, why else would she tell me that she had to take me out because I wouldn't go to the behavioral hospital afterwards? I was confused by that statement, all I could think of was "How on earth would taking me out for the day fix the fact that I was homeless and being stalked?" 

My own dad showed me a meme at the ER when I agrees to go to the behavioral hospital that said "Bankruptcy ahead". This was after I was going to claim Bankruptcy to stall an eviction when I felt like I had no choice due to how he was interfering with my life and my ability to make money to support myself and my kids. 

It freaked me out so much that he was showing me that and laughing about my situation right there in front of me, that I realized that my abuser was having him do that. It scared me so much that I demanded to leave. At which point my dad said something that I had discuss once just the day before while he wasn't around. He told me to stop being to bossy. I've never in my life been told I was bossy. 

This was before I fully caught onto what my stalker was doing exactly. That he having people say and su things that mirrored things that had previously happened in my life, kids a form of crazy making tactics that narcissists use to make someone think that they're crazy. That I'm combination with being drugged or poisoned to the point of confusion would probably have worked to make me think I was crazy and hallucinating, except that I knew too much about psychology. I knew I never had those symptoms before and that I was too old to suddenly develop a severe psychotic disorder at the age of 41.

I really don't know what he said out for to get them to do those things. Any time I brought it up my family would gas light me and tell me it wasn't happening (another form of crazy making and psychologically abusive behavior). All I know is that, what they did was not only highly traumatizing, but just mean and hurtful. No matter what, there is no excuse for treating another human being that way. Especially while they have lost everything and are literally sleeping on the streets.

All of my family that I contacted regularly were doing this and they all act like they seem to think it is ok to do this to another person. If they didn't think that, then it just stands to reason that they wouldn't have behaved this way to begin with. 

The only thing that would make it more disturbing to do to someone is if he paid them to do it, as I'm sure he's had to do with others. 

And I lost everything because of them, and him combined. If my family had said "No" to begin with, he wouldn't have been encouraged to continue and escalate his behaviors and I would probably still be in my home with my kids today. 

In addition to the extreme turmoil of knowing that my own family would do these things and for some reason thought it was ok, I've had to cope with the fact that they participated in tactics that eroded my sense of reality. They did things that made me question often what was even real and that alone really messed someone up mentally. 

Is something that still plays in my head so often though. That they must have thought I was such a horrible person for them to treat me that way, and I'm not really sure why or what I did to make them think I had such a terrible person to deserve it. It's something that I have flashbacks of often and something that they have yet to admit to or apologize for. No one should ever have to go through the things my ex convinced people to do to me. 

And how on earth did they think that they're was something wrong with me when they were doing these things to me, when this was why I was upset and on the defensive? To the point that they kept trying to make me think I needed psychological help. They way I responded was how anyone would have responded if out n the same situation, they would have become just as erratic and defensive as I was, and many would have been so much sooner than I.