Journal Entry 6/6/25: Trauma response to normal life setbacks.

My car broke down yesterday. It's the CV joint, and is not worth fixing on a car that needs so many repairs. 

This has been causing me so much anxiety. My car was the obese thing that I depended on most to keep my life from backtracking to how it was when he made sure I lost everything. 

It was my lifeline. 

Without it it's harder to go get food at every meal to keep from getting poisoned. 

Without it it's harder to pay my bills because even though I can go get a job, he always has people harass me at work. 

With my car I was able to keep changing things up enough to make it harder for him to me with me. 

Without it, I feel like a sitting duck, and more suseptible to being further stalked, harassed, poisoned and unable to provide for and support myself in the ways I found to cope with his actions. 

I got in the habit of changing up how I made money and was able to keep financially afloat better with my car while he's still out there, still stalking me,  harassing me, still trying to make my life a living hell like he has for so many years now. 

I was able to pick up different gig jobs, and change them up often to try to make it harder for him to hack my work, thereby making it harder for him to interfere with my ability to make money and survive with my car. 

The thing is, getting a regular job scares the crap out of my. Working a regular job means my movements and routines are predictable for him. Having a regular job means he can get to know my schedule, who I'm working with and for and use all that information to sabotage my life like he's done so many times and at so many places before. 

I just want him to leave me alone.

Because now I'm stuck. I can't just get in my car and leave when I need to. I can't switch up methods of having income to avoid his actions like I've been able to. And newscasts is harder to support myself in the raids I've learned to do so with multiple different income options, it mashed me feel closer to losing everything again. And it's causing me to have a major trauma response. 

It's also, my things, what little I have left, is all about 35 miles away from me in an area that has no public transportation. 

I feel like I'm too close to losing everything again and the fact that I have been put in situations like this, the fact that I have to feel like this, like I'm more suseptible to him and his methods of interference and terrorism, the panic it causes in me is all his fault. 

I can't eat, I'm having trouble sleeping, in constantly stuck to my stomach. And I'm terrified about what this means, about what I'm going to have to do to get back on track and very another. It means I'm going to have to make myself more easily accessible to him because I'm going to have to get that normal job which causes me to be a sitting duck to all his horrifying crap again. 

It's a normal life issue, many people have cars break down. But because of everything I've been thriving and how this makes me a bit more suseptible to his stalking, harassing and the poisonings, it makes me feel like I'm in grave danger. 

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