Journal Entry for 6/9/25

I often awaken from my dreams with anxiety when I'm faced once again with the reality of what my life has become because of my abuser. 

I used to try so many things to start my day when this happens.

I've tried breathing. 

I've try pushing it out of my mind.

I've tried, unsuccessfully, comforting myself and yelling myself out will all be ok, that my life will get back on track again, that he will one day stop and just disappear and never mess with me again. 

These tactics were often unsuccessful in calming the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. 

Recently the only thing that has really worked gas been imagining beating him with a bat like a piñata, or shooting him repeatedly. 

I've never been a violent person, I've always believed the best in people and that I'd given the chance people were inherently good. But he's not. 

He never did in my anxiety induced imaginations. He stays alive and gets to continue to feel the pain of being pummeled or shot over and over again. Just like the physical, mental and emotional pain he's made me endure for so long, I get to hurt him back in my mind in my attempt to fight this deep sickening feeling his actions have forced me to live with every day off my life. 

And then I feel better, at least a little bit, and can finial face yet another day in this help he's forced in me without my consent. 

Thus is a man that decided he was entitled to me for years when I didn't even know who he was or that he even still existed. He was just someone that I briefly knew in middle school that I had forgotten so about. 

He is someone that continued to poison, harass and stalk me for the several months that he was lying to me about who he was while being very regularly intimate with me. 

And then continued to impose his own will on me after I've made it clear that he has no right and I have no desire to have him in any way involved in my life. 

My thoughts of hurting him, although it's something I'd never act upon, are very normal considering what he's done to me and ape me to get past the feelings of dread and start my day. 

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